Sex, Spirituality, & Self-worth

man and woman lying on bed
Photo by W R on

This blog is going to have a HUGE trigger warning.  Talks about sex, sex work, spiritual sex, rape ( explaining Medusa), and also about trials through my life that might not have been so “pleasant”. 

This is a blog I DO NOT want to write but I am being told I have to write. This month I picked up two new deities; Medusa and Aphrodite. These two amazing women and goddesses are known for different things but all in the same category.  To understand this story you must 1st know about them.

Medusa was a vowed priestess to Athena, beautiful in every way. Poseidon decided to rape Medusa, thus breaking her vow of celibacy to Athena. Athena then pushed her, turning her into a Gorgon, with a head full of sneak and eyes that turned men to stone.  Medusa was punished for being raped, she was wronged. She was hurt and at her lowest and cast aside. Medusa comes forward when you need to see the truth. When you have been wronged she’s here to protect you. 

Now Aphrodite is the goddess of love, passion, fertility, but she is also known to be very vain and selfish.  

With that being said I GOT A DOUBLE WHAMMY HERE. This month when they showed up I went through one of the worst breakups of my life. This one was a doozy and I had to totally find myself again. I had to come to terms with many things I just did not want to believe. Things that I have been avoiding since childhood. This is where this blog comes in… 

I have always been pro-sex! I believe sex is an amazing way to clear your energy.  I have always since I can remember being a very sexual person who advocates for sexual education. I believe sex is power. It frees the mind, it frees the soul, it opens you up to worlds you never knew existed. 

Since I was a teenager I was a very sexual being. My body count racked up pretty fast. I wasn’t ashamed of my sexual nature and I embraced it full-heartedly.  I was always with someone. I always had a male on hand, I always had someone to entertain me.  Again SEX WAS POWER. the more attractive I felt, the more men I had, the more attention I got; I felt powerful, loved, and cared for. 

Later on in life, I went on to be an exotic dancer. I LOVED DANCING. I loved the men who would fall down at my feet. I loved the attention! I felt loved. Dancing gave me a way to express myself. It turned me into the person I am today. 

All of my relationships in my life have been horrible though. Not because I was a whore but because of the men I attracted.  Most didn’t know what they wanted, most had no idea how to be with a strong, beautiful, sexual woman.  Most had emotional issues they didn’t know how to handle. The men I dated were either compulsive liars, emotionally distant, and selfish. 

I have been sitting with this thought for days. Today I realized something and it is something so hard to process. None of the men ( and women ) who have intimately touched me have ever loved me.  OOFF that hurts. Just saying it hurts, because I know I loved most of them with all my heart, and every single time it was shattered to pieces.  Medusa came forward and helped me see the truth. She showed me I have been confusing sex with love. I have been leaving myself open for men to play on my kindness. Using sex as a spiritual lever to bring me closer to them when in reality it was taking away bits of myself. Every single person who’s been intimate with me has taken a little piece of my soul with them and now I WANT THOSE PIECES BACK. 

So today I had to take a step back. I asked Aphrodite what the hell * yes just like that * and she told me, ‘ you have always confused sex for love and now it’s time to break the cycle.’  she said ” you lack self-love and though this is hard you need to understand the feeling of love you felt from those men was only filling a void in yourself.”  I looked at her and was very annoyed not because she was wrong but because she’s right.  

 I know she’s right because about 3 months ago in the middle of all the fighting and the ups and downs of my last relationship. I looked at the man I was with, tears in my eyes, and told him ” no one who’s been with me has never truly loved me, I am just a fun toy to play with, I’m easy and I know this.  I am just a place men lay their heads until they find what they are looking for. You take little pieces of me every time and don’t even appreciate what you have. No one ever loves me they just want things from me. ”  He tried to convince me otherwise but I could tell by the look in his eye I was right.  At this point in time, I could not figure out WHY it was always like this.  I couldn’t figure out WHY I just was not good enough for anyone. Why would they constantly take little pieces of me until I had nothing left and leave me there broken? 

I was always here looking for the next best thing. The next man to love. The next person to put my energy into and let into my spiritual spaces. I did this to fill a void I didn’t know existed within myself. 

Today I finally broke down. I sat and asked Aphrodite and Medusa, how do I stop this cycle? How do I stop the pain attached?  How do I stop allowing men into my sacred spaces without losing the extension of myself that is sex? Because I want to feel powerful within my sexual self. I want to be vain.I want to be confident knowing who I am.  I am a sexual being and I am very much so proud of it, but being a sexual being has gotten me used time and time again. I still want to be sexy without being used for sex.  

I want to feel sexy. I want to feel confident. I want to be admired ( see that’s where Aphrodite comes in with her vain ass). I WANT TO FEEL WANTED without being used. I want to find someone who knows who I am, what I can give ( not just in bed), and to cherish me like the prize I am.  But how? 

Aphrodite then gave me a list of things to do to help this. 

  1. Treat my body better.  Yes, she wants me on a better diet. The better I treat myself the better men will treat me. She seriously told me to treat my body like a temple. 
  2. Set strong boundaries. Do not keep allowing these men to mess up and come back. It gives them the power and knows they can do whatever they want and get away with it.
  3. Don’t allow men in my space without an offering. ( Ok what does that even mean)
  4. Be confident in myself, love myself, love everything I have to offer. 
  5. Find myself again. 

So today we start this journey. Today I’m being honest with my followers and fans. Today I’m reaching out to those who have been in my position. We as women need to stop allowing energy eaters into our energy.  We need to cherish ourselves.  Love ourselves. Today I start a journey of healing past trauma by not allowing others to treat me less than I am just because I am open about sex and enjoy it! 

2 thoughts on “Sex, Spirituality, & Self-worth”

  1. Wow! Such a very powerful blog posting. Good for you! I love you are doing self exploration! True love is within us. Our Higher Power is the answer- always!!
    On a personal note- This remind me of Sex love addiction. Which I battle myself. I would suggest taking a look into it and taking the evaluation. I was floored to realize this was the key to my happiness. And because you have gone through addiction- the 12 steps of AA help greatly with this addiction. Addiction as you well know isn’t about the drug ,alcohol, food, shopping whatever the vice may be. It’s about so much more.
    I love you so very much! I love the Power that you have within you! And now have the knowledge to use that Power to really heal your inner child and to let your Higher Power guide you in life. I wish you the best and if I can help at all — please never hesitate to call text or whatever at anytime my sweet babygirl.
    Love light & peace!
    Aunt Barbara

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